I sit here in our new house, on the last day of school for the kids...just thinking about how much of my personality and nature cringes at the thought of change..upheaval..uncertainty, and yet that is exactly where I have been walking with God in the past 10 years or so. The picture is our pug Bella...and yet it reminds me so much of myself...keep looking up!
The more I say yes to God an no to myself the more twists and turns and adventure happens in my life that I would have never imagined. I honestly don't know how I manage the blessed hum of life around here. I know some of you look at my life/schedule and think its crazy...but that buzz is what God uses to keep me dependant on him for every step. When I say step I mean step...because it has been two years now that I have been hobbling around with plantar facitis. First in the left foot and now in the right one. If it were up to me, I would be about 3 sizes smaller right now and lounging at a pool in my bikini...but getting through the day and obeying God means that my reality is there are 6 kids in my house eating pizza and watching movies and I am sitting with my sore feet up with a snoring pug at my side, and it is so good.
I have learned this past year how God meets the desires of your heart even if you don't voice them to anyone...God sees you...not just your life, and circumstances...but the inner part of you that not even your closest friend or spouse sees. Its terrifying because some of those parts of me are ugly and shameful and you dont want them seen by anyone, but God has had to scream his love out to me in only ways that I would see it, and in ways that only He would know...and I see that no matter how much I dont meet my own expectations...or dislike where I am or who I am...that I am precious in his sight and He sees the me inside me.
So where am I going with all of this? Well, we should hear sometime in the next 6 months or so about our daughter in China. When we felt God urging us to adopt again two years ago...well I never would have believed we would be waiting this long. Our family will have a new baby in the house and our youngest are 10 years old...why the gap? Am I ready for the middle of the night wake ups and the energy of a toddler? How am I going to manage the schedules of a high schooler, a junior higher and two elementary students with that of a baby? I have no idea, but I do know that the God who sees me has it all figured out and I am going to keep looking up, saying yes and smiling back because I know who knows ME best.
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